Punter’s the one usually in charge of the suicide picks, so I don’t really know how this works. But if you’ve survived so far, you know what’s going on. Get your picks in now and Punter will sort out the survivors.
Raiders-Chargers game is off-limits as soon as the game kicks off.
DJ Gallo FTW: “Eli Manning Accidentally Shoots Himself with a Water Gun at Chuck E. Cheese.” KSK would like to apologize to readers for not thinking of this first. [SportsPickle]
We’ve got a full sack this week, so let’s get right into it. If you want to be in next week’s fantasy/sex mailbag, email us here. Now, let’s slap your questions on the ass and take the deep plunge.
Hey guys, I’m a college freshman and there is this guy that lives across the hall from me who enjoys having sex with his door open. How do I break the news to him that it’s a bad idea to leave the door open?
Fantasy related, I’m in the first round of my fantasy playoffs, who do I start at RB considering the matchups: LT vs OAK, Hillis vs KC, Lynch vs MIA, Portis vs BAL, Chris Johnson vs CLE (3 of the 5).
-Schuffalufagas
MAJ SAYS: Take pictures.
UFFORD SAYS: Walk in and take pictures.
THE ENTIRE WORLD SAYS: Take a fucking picture.
As for the fantasy question, if you have running back depth like that, do you really need our help? Jesus. Spin a wheel, you lucky dick.
I graduated from BU and just came across this in the news about a girl I tried to get with back in college, but she shot me down.
Instead of thinking how lucky I am that it wasn’t me in her boyfriend’s position, my first thought was “shit, I probably missed out on the greatest sex of my life.” I hate myself.
My first round playoff match-up is this week and I could use some advice at QB. I have on my roster: Orton vs. JAX, Hill vs. Jets, Frerotte@Det, Schaub@GB, Thigpen@Den. QBs I can pick up from waivers include: Garcia@Car, Flacco vs. WAS, Garrard @ Chicago
-D
How could you miss out on the sex if she shot you down before? You were never in position to get that crazy love to begin with. You’re lucky she didn’t shoot you down by quite literally shooting you down. My favorite quite from that article, by the way…
“She was a feisty girl, but I can’t imagine her stabbing someone . . . She just had a definite opinion about things.”
Yes, I’d say she’s rather fervent about her stances. Start Thigpen.
Dear KSK,
I’m headed into the playoffs with a dinged-up Marion Barber, a feuding Stephen Jackson and red-hot DeAngelo Williams on my roster and two starting spots each week. At this point, DeAngelo is probably a must-start, but how should I handle this round robin, considering injuries and potential match-ups?
On a somewhat related note, my dick curves to the left. Not severely — I’d say about 25 degrees or so, although I’ve never measured it with a protractor. But that’s fine, because God made each of us unique in our own way. My question is: what is the best sexual position for me use in order to maximize the pleasure for my special lady?
Thanks,
IRONMIKE
THE HOOK! We knew a kid in prep school who supposedly had a dick that was nearly at a right angle. He practically had to stand sideways in the stall. Anyway, if you’ve got The Hook, I’d recommend you see a penile orthodontist to have it straightened out, either with braces, or the little known Invisalign: Penile Edition. Failing that, the position I’d recommend for you is the Sideways Chubby Checker. Be sure to thrust your left hip only!
Bench Jackson.
KSK,
One of my coworkers started coming on to me a few months ago. We started hooking up, which was fine and dandy, until I learned about the Seaworld fantasy. For a completely inexplicable reason, she asks me to fuck her like a dolphin and shit like that. OK, fine. But now she wants me to buy a wetsuit and flippers for the bedroom. What the fuck? I have no problem with her talking some weird shit while I Free Willy, but I’m not buying a fucking wetsuit. Am I going to have to feed her herring from a fucking bucket too?
Do I play Cassel against Seattle or that cock Laserface against Oakland?
-S. Jaffe
Is your coworker Troy McClure? How does one fuck someone like a dolphin? Do you have to shriek like a deaf person during the act? Anyway, I’d go right ahead and let her buy the flippers and wetsuit. You know much a wetsuit costs? That’s good value. And if she wants you to feed her fish, or make sonar bleeps during intercourse, or ensnare her in some sort of tuna net, go for it. Sounds fun to me.
Start Cassel.
KSK,
Just started dating this girl and she gives good (not great) head. Her technique is lacking, but she more than makes up it with enthusiasm. How do I guide her and help improve her style without seeming ungrateful?
4 player Keeper league- we start 2 rbs, 3 wrs, 1 wr/rb. I’m keeping MJD, Andre Johnson & DeAngelo Williams. My last spot is going to be either Larry Johnson or Hines Ward, who should I keep?
-M
If she’s enthusiastic, I don’t think it should be all that hard to offer advice. If you’re just honest with her and say, “I love it when you do that, but I’d also kind of like it if you were to…” and then go into whatever you like: gravy blowjobs or whatever.
I wouldn’t keep Hines or LJ if it meant an extra draft pick. Otherwise, keep LJ, I guess.
Dir Sirs,
What is the appropriate fantasy football punishment for a commissioner who uses their League Manager status to change their roster AFTER the game has started?
Also, what is the appropriate sexual punishment for said cheating commissioner if the commisioner happens to be your wife, who you entrusted to the League Manager spot because of her seemingly rock solid character?
Thank you,
Mr. S
I don’t know any web-run fantasy league that would let you change your roster during game play, even if you ARE commissioner. But, if this is true, it is indeed diabolical. Obviously, she must be required to forfeit that week’s game. She also should be stripped of her commissioner status. As for marital punishment, some sort of hogtying is probably in order.
Dear KSK,
I am a 30-year-old married white Jewish male and I never thought this would happen to me. I have an important second round playoff game this week and I’m the underdog. A portly, hirsute underdog.
I’ve got Chris Johnson and LT as my backs and Greg Jennings and Dwayne Bowe at wideout but need to figure out whom to start in my flex spot. Most of the season I have slotted Mewelde Moore or Santonio Holmes there. But with FWP back, I’m struggling. My choices are: Moore, Darren “El Busto” McFadden, Mark Clayton or Holmes.
Also, I’m going to Vegas soon. Is it OK to go to the rub and tug after I lose the rent payment playing pai gow?
Jon G.
MAJ SAYS: The key is finding a casino where you can get a rub and tug from the pai gow dealer right at the table.
DREW SAYS: It’s not cheating if it’s with an Asian lady! Start Clayton.
Gay Mafia-
My girlfriend never seems to be in the mood to have sex at convenient times. She’s constantly exhausted at night (she’s in grad school) and wants to fall asleep as soon as she gets in bed, but she also hates staying in bed late in the morning. Which means virtually the only time she wants to have sex is in the middle of the day, which would be awesome if I didn’t work a normal 9-to-5 job. She often gets in the mood while we’re doing some inane errand during the weekends, which pisses me off because then I’m stuck buying window treatments at West Elm instead of at home having sex. How can I get her to want to have sex at a NORMAL FUCKING TIME, like when we’re in bed together at night?
Who should I start between Roethlisberger and Tyler Thigpen at QB, and Joseph Addai, Clinton Portis, Steve Slaton and Tim Hightower at 2 RB spots?
This is so beyond true. “Omigod, I wish you had been here at 2PM! I was sooooo horny!” Well, good for you, Missy. I was busy jacking it in the work toilet. Pay me a visit for lunch, dammit.
I’ve yet to find a solution for this. All I can tell you is that women are usually ready for lovin’ when they are at their most relaxed. So do everything in your power to make your lady feel relaxed at proper hours. Cook her dinner and have some red wine ready. Smoke some weed together. Nap together on the weekends and then do it when you wake up. That’s all I can offer. The classic conundrum. Stupid ladies. BE MORE TIMELY WITH YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS!
Start Thigpen, Portis, and Slaton.
Hey KSK,
Here’s the deal. I’m currently a senior in college and a couple weeks ago some friends told me that there was a porn star that goes to our school. We did the research and found out that it was Kendra Kay. So before the holiday, I ended up sitting next to her in one of my classes. So my question is, what’s the best approach to have sex with somebody who gets paid to do it on film?
For four spots I have Santana Moss, Reggie Wayne, Justin Gage, Ted Ginn Jr & Eddie Royal. Who do I sit?
Thanks,
McG
PUNTER SAYS: Pay her and put it on film. PS - Great job on “Charlie’s Angels”
Sit Gage.
Greetings, sage wizards of the bedroom and fantasy football field,
My girlfriend and I got into role playing a few months ago to spice things up a bit, but her characters have gotten progressively tougher for me to handle. She started off doing normal things like maids and nurses and what have you, but in the past month she has done a quadriplegic, a peregrine falcon, and just last night she pretended to be a nine year old. How can I let her know that I’m having trouble focusing on keeping an erection while at the same time not discouraging her?
Also, do I keep Romo in against the Steelers defense or take my chances with Chad Pennington in Buffalo?
Thanks,
Flummoxed in Florida
I think you have to counter her bizarre role-playing with some of your own. If she dresses as a falcon, you dress as a Rubik’s Cube. If she dresses as a quadriplegic, you dress as a Nazi storm trooper. It’ll totally throw her off her game.
Start Romo.
Does having a threesome with asian girls really count as a threesome due to their small size compared to most women?
Should I start McNabb, Ryan, or Garcia at QB?
Pete
Ask them. They’d know the math. Start Ryan.
Over the weekend I took a girl to a bar to watch the Alabama/Auburn game. It was the first time we had done anything together and I basically had gotten her to go with me by lying to her and telling her I was a huge Alabama fan. Coincidently, my father is at the same bar. She gets super hammered as do I, and during her frequent trips to the bathroom my dad asks if I’m fucking her.
I put on a guise that she’s just some girl I randomly fuck like all the time. He is impressed. Later that night, I take her home, she is hamboned, and trying to unbutton my shirt and I act like a total pussy because I’ve also gotten high at this point and am paranoid that she is going to say I raped her because I barely know her and she has already admitted several times during the date that she is mentally unstable. Consequently, I leave. Since then my dad has asked me three times if I fucked her and everytime I say yes. Should I keep this guise, and let him think I’m sweet and that she’s a sloppy drunk whore, or come clean?
Also, Flacco or Campbell for 2nd starting QB?
Thanks,
A Liar and a Pussy
My suggestion is that you get yourself a new dad. Jesus, what a pushy asshole. Flacco.
So I have a play-in game this week. I win, I make the league’s playoff. I have both McNabb & Rodgers. Both at times have been as useful as a bag of nipples. I really need to make the right choice here. Help a brother out!!
Also, what is the official KSK position on rim jobs? My wife likes giving and receiving. I feel a little faggy either way. Where do you stand?
Notjustcheese
Phillipsburg, NJ
I’ll let Robert Evans handle this one. “Baby, if it feels good, do it! I remember back in 1978 when I was having a threesome with Linda Evans and Dusty Hoffman. Sexy? You bet? Racy? Oh, yes. Anyway, halfway through, Dusty decides to play the merry prankster and tickle my testicles. Well, damned if that wasn’t just the jumpstart ol’ Evans needed! Don’t let social mores stand in the way of you liking a tongue to the ol’ Midnight Cowboyhole!”
Start Rodgers.
Assuming Marion Barber is questionable/probably for Sunday’s game, is it worth the risk to start him? Le’Ron McClain is the o’ther op’tion.
And what’s a guy to do if his girl refuses to do it with the lights on? She has body issues, but looks great and I want to see her in all her bouncy glory.
Barry
This is a good question. Men, I find, prefer to do it with the lights on. You want to see that sex live as it happens. Why just feel it when you can take a mental snapshot for later use? I suggest you compromise and buy a dimmer switch for your place. It’s light AND it’s dark!
KSK,
How long do you have to be married/committed to a girl who slows down your once awesome and frequent regular sex to barely anything (4 times a month, maybe), before you can go get an occasional piece of strange guilt free? 1 year? 5 years?
BTW, Thigpin or Favre this week?
-Fox
Guilt-free? Um, never?
Start Favre.
I’ve got Willis McGahee and Steven Jackson as my “feature” backs. Seems like it’s time to bench McGahee, if not cut him loose. Who out of my pack of injury/suspension reliant RBs should get the start in his spot this week: Pierre Thomas, Ray Rice or Cadillac?
Speaking of poor decisions in my past coming back to haunt me, I’m 27 and I live with my parents. This is presenting some serious problems when it comes to fucking. Mom’s a light sleeper, the house is old and creaky, etc… I managed a blowjob in a playground on the way home from the bar last week but that was Thanksgiving, the girl was wasted. Is there some foolproof spot in my house I’m missing that I can turn when romancing a (mildly) sober lady?
- DC
ps - My 96 Camry is parked on a back alley every night that sees some traffic, so that’s out of the question. Kind of.
Whoa whoa whoa. A blowjob on a playground? I need more specifics there. Was it on the swing? Did you use a real swing as a sex swing? Or did you use the diaper swing? Did you sit on one end of the teeter totter? God, I never realized just how many sexual possibilities exist at playgrounds. No wonder that 50-year-old drifter is always hanging out at the one near my house! He must be taking notes for when he romances a lady!
Use the Camry or do it on the floor. The floor always makes less noise. And pick up Thomas.
Photo from reader CCP, who tried to convince one of the girls was his girlfriend. Sure, buddy. And my name’s Cock McLongington.
The down-and-out denizens of the Queen City are getting it from all fronts - the economy sucks, the Bengals suck and, well, the Bengals really suck . Lucky for them homeless Bengal fan Jimmy “The Veal” Cowsill is here to provide some handy advice for entertaining on a very limited budget. If only he had a home he could realize toilet wine far outdoes dumpster wine.
Ryan: Phew! Thank God the NFL didn’t fine me for that hit last week. It’s nice to see cooler heads prevail at the league office, and that they realize now there’s a difference between playing hard and playing dirty. I’m just gonna keep on playing the way I play.
(doorbell rings)
Hmm. That’s funny. I don’t remember ordering takeout or anything like that.
(unlatches door)
Who’s there?
(door flies open)
Last I checked, our division got as many wins as those northeast liberal elitist commie perverts in the NFC East, but you don’t hear nothing about some homespun footbaw from real America in the NFC South. Cain’t turn on my yakbox without hearing a great hollerin’ about some all-Jew York Super Bowl. Bet that’d be a challah of a game, huh? Heh, I got that from the long e-mail chain letter sent to my AOL account.
Hell, those homos in Tampa Bay got a chance to be the first team to play a Super Bowl in their own stadium. Don’t hear nothin’ ’bout that. But watch the Jets win a game and those Yankee queers cheer like they done killed Jesus again. Not a lick of fairness in the whole thing.
[Sets up three Nativity scenes on front lawn]
Gonna be fun when it’s a good-ol’ southern Super Bowl with Panther Pride and some Tennessee faggots. Then it gonna be us again’ our old quarteeback. I do miss some Kerry Collins. Like the cut a’ his jib. Always have. Caught some flak here for making some un-PC remarks about some of his shiftless teammates. ‘Course they railroaded him then shipped him off to a PC re-education camp in the Big Pinko-Not-Protecting-the-Sanctity-of-Life-Apple. BUT MY KERRY TOO STRONG! HE GOTS PRIDE!
[Pats Jesse Helms campaign button on his jacket]
A shame we gonna have to deny him a ring again. S’ok, Kerry, we got a spot for you in the Congress if you wanna come run against this no-account pinko Heath Shuler.
I cain’t wait. We gonna name Psycho T Super Bowl MVP and party until a relatively decent hour and not get too uppity about it ’cause we genteel southern gentlemen.
WOO HOO! PASS THE AMMUNITION AND SWEET TEA! ‘Cause there never was anything finer than a North Caroliner!
Judge blocks suspensions of the Vikes’ Williams tandem — So, um, do not fuck Drew in the goat ass while forcing him to listen to a Sugar Ray CD. Yet.
Coach Harbaugh warned me what would happen, but he’s the only receiver I trust. I should have heeded his stern warnings. Sure, Mark Clayton made some insane catches against the Bengals, but I faced tougher defenses in Division II 1-AA football. Mason’s my boy!
Months and months of staring down Derrick Mason over every dropback has fixed his image in my mind permanently. I can’t shake it.
Just the other day, I went to the CVS to pick out some more eyebrow wax, and I get up to the cashier and I see this.
I almost fell off the endcap of tacky Baltimore Christmas gewgaws. Luckily, my mind came to after a few seconds, but every time he appears it’s longer. By the end of the season, who knows if he’ll go away at all.
Sure, seeing Derrick open on the football field is a welcome sight, but I really don’t need him occupying my every thought. Soon, I won’t be able to watch movies.
Or even the news.
I mean, we could run Le’Ron McClain and Ray Rice on every play. They’re pretty good. But sooner or later we’re gonna have to pass the ball. And that means more and more searing Derrick into my unconscious. Goddammit, why does Todd Heap have to stay in and block? I need someone else to lock onto!
Could be worse, I guess. It could be Barbara Mikulski. Jesus. Why does every woman in Baltimore look like her?
Wade: Well, oh my! I sure am stuffed! My, my goodness! Got ourselves a nice little Thanksgiving break there. Always does a man good, I tell you what. You know, this time of year is always so hectic. But I think we’re well-prepared this time. I know we got those pesky Steelers coming up. And we’re still chasing a playoff spot. But I feel good about where we are.
Yep, I think we’re gonna have a much more stable December round these parts. Nope, no crises here at Valley Ranch of any sort! No emergency fires of any kind are gonna spring up and disturb an otherwise smoothly running work month. AT ALL. Time to just eeease back into work and…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEHAW! YEE, YEE, YEE, YEEGODDAMNHAW! YEEHAW MASON-DIXON FUCKING A GOWGIRL IN A HAYLOFT WITH HER PANTIES STUFFED IN HER THROAT! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFUCKINGHAW, FATASS!
Wade: Oh. shit.
Jerry: Did you see what my boy ROMO did to those Seattle faggots, Tubby? He put THREE goddamn touchdown passes right in their faggoty little messenger bags! YOU DON’T BIKE TO WORK WHEN YOU’RE PLAYIN’ THE DOUBLE-J, THAT’S FOR GODDAMN SURE!
Wade: We’re glad to have him back. But I think we’re going t have to prepare extra hard for the Steelers, sir…
Jerry: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Listen, Ham Cameron, I need you to stop baking cheesecake in your crotch for a second and get your fat fucking ass out of your fat fucking chair. MOVE IT! GIT!
Wade: What’s going on? (gets out of chair) What the heck?
Jerry: Good God. Look at the assdent in that chair. That’s what Lake Superior looks like if you drain it! There are enough coffee cake crumbs in that seat to run an Aunt Anne’s factory, you galactic fat fuck!
Wade: Sir, I don’t think that’s very…
Jerry: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK! THIS IS MY GODDAMN CHAIR! I OWN IT! AND I DON’T PAY YOU TO SPEND ALL DAY BUTTERING IT UP FOR MUFFINMAKING, YOU BIG FAT CLAM! Now listen up, Rosie Live. I have Christmas shopping for you to do.
Wade: I can’t go Christmas shopping!
Jerry: Why not? Can’t go to mall without ending up behind the counter of a Mrs. Field’s, you cookie-loving fat shit?! Well don’t fear, fatass. I have just entered in the Amazon username and password for the Double-J’s personal online account. You’ll be shopping right from this very chair. AND NO SPANK BREAKS! I don’t want my wife getting some pair of earrings that you bought after treating your dick like a Push Pop! Now you have to get gifts for the following people:
(hands Wade 700 page list)
Wade: There are thousands of names on here!
Jerry: Fucking right. AND DON’T GO THINKING YOU’RE ONE OF THEM! I only buy Omaha Steaks for people that don’t eat them as an after dinner cooldown. Be sure to get Susan that cheese log that’s shaped like a penis. Like Wispride spreadable white wine cheddar, the Double-J’s cock is EXTRA SHARP!
Wade: Sir, I don’t have time for this. How are we gonna get ready for the Steelers?
Jerry: You fat hump. Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO is a star?
Wade: I think you’ve maybe…
Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! Besides, ol’ Jerry’s got a little ace up his sleeve this go round for those Pittsburgh meatstuffers. ADAM!
(door flies open)
Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman cum back 2 da lokkr room an dem otha bitchez be sayn Pacman no gud. Pacman ain’t down wid it. Pacman say dem foolz ain’t walked in his shooz. Dey ain’t kno what it lik 2 fist dat azz lik da Pac do. Dey ain’t kno what it like 2 ta grab a bitch an pak dat hatchbak. Pacman down wid it. Pacman say dem girlz got 2 giv up dat fatburger. Pacman say itz Burgertime.
Pacman gon shine. Pacman tak dat azz an put dat banana in it. Pacman ain’t no froot. Pacman got dat big Chikita shit. Dis shit naycha’s perfect fud. And Pacman gon drank. Oh, he gon drank. BULLEE DAT. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank until he turn on da sprinkla. PACMAN GON TURN ON DA AZZSPRINKLA! CHUH CHUH
Jerry: That reminds me, Fatass. Be sure to get Adam here one of those Sony ass sprinklers. No cheap Vizio ass sprinklers for my boy!
Wade: But I don’t even know what that is.
Jerry: You need to also get at least two hookers for each Cowboy alum. THE DOUBLE-J NEVER FORGETS A COWBOY! Now get them gift-wrapped, and ship them FedEx so they’re still breathin’ when they get there. NO ONE WANTS A DEAD HOOKER ON THEIR DOOSTEP!
Pacman: Pacman down wid it.
Jerry: Not everyone agrees, Adam. Also, get Irvin that pair of golden scissors he wanted.
Wade: Well, who’s gonna run the team while all this is going on?
(door flies open)
Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. My good portly friend, shouldn’t you be in Perigord region, rooting around in the soil for precious black truffles?
Wade: Shut up.
Garrett: Oh, dear Mr. Jones! How good to see you again! I trust you had a lovely Thanksgiving. Did you get the holiday card that Priscilla sent you? I wrote it myself. There’s no levity quite like Princeton levity!
Jerry: It was lovely, Jason. I’ll treasure it always. And I’ll have fatty here get you that Vineyard Vines whale belt you asked for.
Garrett: Oh, please! No need! I already have seventeen of them! Ha ha ha!
Jerry: Ha ha ha!
Garrett: Ha ha ha!
Jerry: Ha ha ha!
Garrett: Ha ha ha! Oh, Mr. Jones. What a Princetonian you would have been! I wish you had been in our eating club. A fine eater you’d make! Unlike the human landfill opposite me now.
Wade: Hey!
Jerry: YOU SHUT UP, COACH KFC! You shut up and git my shopping done! AND MAKE SURE NATE NEWTON GETS THAT BROWNIE PAN HE ASKED ME FOR!
Wade: This sucks.
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEHAW! DOUBLE YEEEEEEHAW! TRIPLE FUCKING YEEHAW, YOU FUCKING SHOPACHOCOHOLIC!
JINGLE BALLS, HOOKERS CALL, WADE DONE LAID AN EGG!
THE JONESMOBILE HAS EIGHT WHEELS AND I’LL EAT PUSSY ANY DAY!!!!!
WAHOOOOOO, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Hello my children. I trust that all of you are all preparing to celebrate the miraculous birth of my divine progeny in a tasteful and understated manner.
Oh come the fuck on! What is wrong with you people? You’re starting to make me think that the atheists are actually smarter than the believers. You people are getting on my last damn nerve, and no, I cannot protect you from terrorists. Terrorism is a machination of man, and it is up to man to stop the terrorists. I’m pretty much useless on this front, so don’t expect me to be watching your back while you’re preaching the good word. Let’s just move on to the explanations of Week 13’s games.
